Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
