You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
