Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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