I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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