Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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