I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
