I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
