We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Randomize
