how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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