Acid is not a monday night drug
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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