I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
