My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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