Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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