I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
