get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
so much tequila, so little girl.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize