awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Randomize
