the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
