Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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