I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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