Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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