No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Randomize
