Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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