the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I would fuck him just for his dog
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
