woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
