well I can't set my house on fire every night
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
I just googled if crying burns calories
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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