just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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