Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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