i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
