When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
i believe in u and ur pee
Randomize
