Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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