yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize