I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
