Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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