I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
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