I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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