my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
