rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
