Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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