I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
the room spins SO much faster in panama
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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