just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
