watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
