So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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