I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
