Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
my liver is dry heaving
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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