I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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