dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Randomize
