my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
