Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize