Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
