We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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