you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
BRING THE BAGELS
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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