i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
you have to choose: penises or morals?
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
This is classic penis vs brain.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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