How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
