Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
