I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
