How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
