My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Randomize
