so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
