I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
