i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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