So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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